Is CSI Modeled after Scooby Doo?

I’ve been watching a lot of CSI lately, and have established a hypothesis: the writers of CSI modeled the show after Scooby Doo. The similarities are striking and many.

It is extremely frustrating to watch CSI. Like in Scooby Doo, the perpetrator always admits to the crime under extremely light interrogation, often very little evidence against them. For the love of God Scooby Doo and CSI villans, please, you have the right to an attorney. I can’t stress this enough. Please stop confessing major crimes to the police without consulting a lawyer. Also CSI and Scooby Doo criminals, you don’t need to remind the police that you “could have gotten away with it if it weren’t for “so and so.” This is both unnecessary and unflattering to your ability to scheme.  

Who Was The Better President?

Does The Guy in The Sham-Wow Commercial Ever Get Laid?

Raise your hands if you’ve been tempted to order the slap chop. Or the Sham Wow. I’m sure 9 out of 10 people that read this have their hands up in the air. Some of you can’t raise your hand up because you are slapping your way to happiness on your slap chop right now. The deals are so god damn enticing. I even called the slap chop number, and for what I can only believe was by the grace of God, I didn’t  have cell phone reception. Here are all the benefits of the slap chop that Vince declares:

-It’s an anti-depressent. “you’ll ‘slap’ your troubles away.”

-Your life will not be boring anymore.  ”You’re gonna have an exciting life now.”

-You will stop crying. “life is hard enough as it is. Don’t cry anymore.”

-You will love his nuts. “You’re going to love my nuts.”

-It will cure nationwide obesity. “we’re going to make America skinny again, one slap at a time.”

Not a bad deal for $19.95. But questions still remain. Does Vince ever get laid? Is finely chopped up pickle and hard boiled egg really a good “breakfast to go?” Do people buy these products because they can use them or because they are unhappy with their lives? And is Vince a real human being from our planet? If there is one principle I live by in this world, it’s- don’t trust anyone who wears a vanity telemarketer’s headset.

Where’s The Fucking Meat?

I remember going to Chipotle in 11th grade after baseball games and receiving the largest burrito I have ever held. Filled with a mountain of meat and cheese, I could barely hold it up with both hands, and for the price of just $5.65. Slowly, I’ve noticed Chipotle is giving less and less meat, rice, lettuce, and cheese. I am certain a corporate memo was distributed to all the managers saying “too much deliciousness is being sold to customers. Charge them the same amount, but give them less than adequate helpings of the food they are paying for. This will maximize company profits.” Another side note about chipotle is that when you go there you have to interact with a minimum of 4 employees, who each seem to know more english words as you get closer to the register. 

Caffrey’s is a deli that I order from about 4 times a month. I have noticed that progressively, I have been getting less tuna fish on my god damn tuna wrap. The last time I ordered my sandwich, which costs $8.50 by the way, I got what appeared to be a tortilla that was violently packed with lettuce and then lightly garnished with tuna fish, as if it were rare Caviar from the Caspian Sea. I immediately emailed caffrey’s a picture of my sandwich.

As you can see there is no fucking tuna fish.  It is lettuce wrapped in a tortilla. It is bullshit.

When I go out to restaurants I notice this reduction-of-important-part-of-entree phenomenon as well. I think it’s time America woke up and realized that this is an epidemic. Are we to let our children inherit a world where tuna wraps don’t include tuna? We need to stand up now before it’s too late. Join my cause. Put on your bibs, arm yourself with forks and march to your local deli and demand a sandwich with a mountain of meat, a pound of cheese, a heap of lettuce. If you don’t stand up for your basic restaurant-delicatessen rights , then sadly, the terrorists have already defeated us.

What Exactly Does It Sound Like When Doves Cry?

I get undeniably, the worst songs ever recorded by humans stuck in my head for hours or sometimes days at a time and it needs to stop. The song that has been tormenting rattling my brain for the last few hours is a Tommy Tutone travesty called “867-5309.” The writer took a phone number and turned it into a smash hit. This song is positively the most shameful creation in mankind’s long history of shameful events. Worse even than crystal clear pepsi or slavery, “867-5309″ is terrible.

A bullet from a handgun is something I’d rather get in my head than “Sussudio” by Phil Collins. Unfortunately, sometimes this isn’t the case. My mom listened to this song a lot when she would drive me to grade school as a child and it had lasting ramifications. “Sussudio,” WTF? I had to go on Wikipedia when the song came into my head because for a split second I thought Phil Collins might know an english word that I did not. This was not the case. Collins said that he “improvised” the lyric. Collins was just playing around with a drum machine, and the lyric “sus-sussudio” was what came out of his mouth. ”So I kinda knew I had to find something else for that word, then I went back and tried to find another word that scanned as well as “sussudio”, and I couldn’t find one, so I went back to “sussudio”,” Collins said. I hate Phil Collins.

The Beach Boys make me sick. The song “Kokomo” is the lamest series of noises to ever escape out of someone’s mouth. Yet it is a song that comes into my head predictably every winter. I don’t know why, I just want it to stop.