my solution to fix baseball…

Since baseball is being ruined by athletes abusing performing enhancing drugs, why not think of a way to fix our national past time. I was napping and I woke up suddenly and thought, if ALL the players were FORCED to take steroids, this would even the playing field, so to speak, and fix the problem. Every player in MLB should be required to take performing enhancing drugs. Yes, this would be a poor example for youth, but who gives a shit. Baseball would work again.

LPA Wants To Ban The Word “Midget”

The “little people of america inc.” (yes, they’re incorporated,) wants the FCC to put a ban on the word midget stating it’s a racial slur similar to the the word “nigger.” I believe strongly in the first amendment, that you should be able to speak and write whatever you want. I understand that the word could be offensive, and whoever uses the word should be judged for the context in which they use it. But not censored. I hate hate groups. I hate the KKK, but I believe they should be allowed to express their beliefs vocally and/or with the pen. And rational thinking people should be allowed to berate their beliefs in the same way, making them feel small and exposing their ignorance. Let’s not start banning more words. Let’s let the public, advertisers and peers judge the content of an idea, thought, or program and subject it to criticism and debate. I’m sick of this shit.

Little people want to ban words…

Why Jack Daniel’s Is Better.

There is a bar four blocks from my house that just won an award for selling the most Jameson Irish whiskey in the world. Apparently, they won this title for the third consecutive year. The owner reported that they sell an average of 22 bottles of Jameson per day, and 670 cases for the year. But why do people consume this much of an inferior product, when Jack Daniel’s is obviously the nectar of angels? I have taken some pictures to illustrate why Jack Daniels is better than any other liquid in the milky way galaxy.

The Relationship Between The Decline In The Dow Jones and Twitter?

Undoubtably, Twitter has sealed it’s place in pop culture. With the coolest pop icons such as Oregon Representative Earl Blumenauer and Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill giving twitter more press by tweeting or twating or whatever the fuck- during an important Obama address to the nation about the economy, twitter is certainly a noteworthy new means of communication. How can we trust our country to political representatives who act like a bored classroom of giddy gossipy school girls passing class notes during an important lecture? Members of the senate and congress, put down your god damn blackberries and give us a fucking hand please. No one is interested in your monotonous thoughts, Representative Dennis Rehberg. It is not very popular to tout the resilience of the American economy right now, but I think the problem is that our politicians, pundits and policy makers are less intelligent than the manufacturer of this toy:

And the economy, with some help, will be rejuvenated. Actually, probably a lot of help. Trillions of dollars worth. (4 years from now in apocalyptic times, when we’re burning car tires for heat, please don’t quote this article.) Someone recently asked the hilariously frightening question “what comes after trillion?” A question we will all soon know the answer to.

Investing in the American stock market right now might seem more retarded than some of Robert Deniro’s facial expressions. The stock market has become an illustrative example of the chaos theory, but I think you can weather (or whether) the storm by investing wisely in beaten down stocks and thinking long term. Possibly very long term. I’ve spent most of the last few months trying to find companies that may be able to beat this market. Here are some strong companies I’ve considered. Note: my portfolio has been mostly red for the last few months.

Ormat Technologies Inc. (ORA) is a a global leader in geothermal power generation. The company has a good balance sheet and cash reserves which is important now that the credit market has tightened up. Ormat utilizes a process called the organic Rankine cycle which uses a high molecular mass organic fluid which allows heat to be recovered from various sources such as industrial waste heat, solar ponds, geothermal heat etc. This low temp heat can then be converted into electricity. Electricity is what powers the lights in your house enabling you to read your notice of foreclosure letter from the bank. 

A company called irobot has found a profitable niche demographic amongst Americans. Lazy people. I first learned about this company last month after I tripped over a motorized machine hovering around on the carpet at my mom’s house. irobot created a robot that vacuums the house for you. The companies assets to liabilities ratio is pretty good, and I think it has strong earnings potential. And they are currently working on military robots. So I hope you like the movie Terminator, because it will be playing in the future outside your bedroom window. irobot (IRBT) is an interesting play that is pretty cheap right now. If you’re like me and hope robots will soon do all of your chores, you should look into this company. 

Johnson and Johnson (JNJ), is a safe choice. Not only is there a growing need for tylenol due to headaches caused by watching the stock market underperform, but Johnson and Johnson is a highly diversified company that continues to expand into pharmaceuticals, medical devices and household products. The consistency and market dominance of this company has been appealing to investors for over 70 years. There will always be a need for J&J products and the company will continue to expand. The stock is selling at about $46 right now and it might not go much lower. I can’t seem to find a company that specializes in the manufacturing of nooses and tall buildings to jump off of, but that would be a sound investment as well.

Whatever you do don’t watch CNBC. The network is run by manatees. And remember, when irobot stock is at $7000 and the robots are taking our jobs and breeding people in pods for sustenance, I recommended you buy stock in the company. And fuck Twitter.

Bruce Springsteen: Tool.

Bruce Springsteen has a special place in my heart. The Biggest douche bag of 2008. In a recent interview with salon.com Springsteen had this to say, “I always liked being involved actively more at a grass-roots level, to act as a partisan for a set of ideals: civil rights, economic justice, a sane foreign policy, democracy.” After establishing his career writing songs like Born in the U.S.A, a song about the hardships Vietnam Veterans faced upon returning to America from the war, and performing civil and worker rights songs such as “We shall overcome,” Springsteen signed an exclusive deal this December with Walmart to sell his greatest hits CD. Walmart of course having the most workers ethics violations of any U.S. company. Yes, I have purchased copious amounts of cheap shit from walmart, no, I do not claim to be a civil and worker’s rights leader. You suck Bruce Springsteen. Your own children should refuse to speak to you on Thanksgiving.

Superman:Kryptonite as Neiman Marcus:Visa?

I have been furious only twice this year. 

The first incident occurred in April. Tess had casually mentioned that she liked a green purse that she saw in Neiman Marcus, and I, being the astute, loving individual that I am, made a solo adventure over to my neighborhood Neiman Marcus to procure it for her. Astonishingly, I discovered the exact purse that she had described. Bingo! Her birthday present is solved I thought. As I approached the checkout counter, I removed my Visa card from my wallet assuming incorrectly that I was engaging in an appropriate medium of exchange. The checkout lady gazed upon me, soulless and judgingly, as if I were holding a styrofoam cup of dimes and nickels, begging for change. “Ummm… we only accept American Express and cash,” she said staring at me as if I were homeless. I don’t remember my response to this but it was probably something like “this is a fucking joke, right?” Or “can I speak to someone who represents the policies of Neiman Marcus?” She was serious, and she was representing the policy of Neiman Marcus, which is: We Prefer To Not Exchange Our Goods For Legitimate American Currency. I wasn’t going to withdraw the $600 that the purse required because my bank, which is also retarded, only allows me to withdraw $300 a day. Obviously my bank is suspicious that I will go on an immense cocaine binge and then try to buy things I can’t afford. I walked out of Neiman Marcus empty handed, in disbelief, and thankful I wasn’t a shareholder. Unfortunately, the victim of this story is Tess who received no birthday present at all.

Pringles is a company I detest. It was a cold winter’s morning, and I was in my automobile. I had just stayed up all night watching “The Notebook” so I wasn’t in a very good mood. I reached for a can of pringles but they were almost empty. I was surprised to learn that once I “popped” I had an inability to “stop.” My hands, apparently were too big to reach the last remaining chips inside. This proved frustrating as I attempted unsuccessfully to force my hand inside to collect the remains. Failing this, I carefully tilted the cylinder but due to the combination of the greasy nature of the chips and the ultra slick material used to create the inside of the can, the chips slid out at the pace of a God damn bobsled on ice. My pants and car seat were covered in not even fully formed pringles, but crumbs of pringles. There shouldn’t even be crumbs in a can of pringles. There should only be fully formed half duck bill shaped chips. Fuck pringles and fuck Neiman Marcus.